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How Can I Get My Partner To Lose Weight?
Dear Don,
How do I get my partner to lose weight?
--Frustrated and Upset
Dear Frustrated and Upset,
You can’t.
This is the bad news. We will move to some surprising good news. But first the bad news needs to be faced so you can stop your fruitless efforts. You can’t make anybody do anything they really don’t want to do, especially concerning food and weight.
Your overweight partner may say he wants to lose, he may give the impression that he does, but his actions, not his words will give you the actual answer. Though an overweight person can hide in her imagination to a degree, weight-gain and weight-loss are public events. Bodies are there for all to see, whether you are in denial or not.
I know. I have been one of those people who wished I could lose weight but didn’t for over 15 years. I know quite a bit about your partner, because I have both refused to take reasonable action about my weight (even ignored the concerns of my family) and have recently lost over 40 pounds.
I have read article after article of “helpful hints” on how to get your partner to lose weight. None of these will work if your partner is chronically overweight. If you try any of the following, you will set yourself up for a frustrating failure:
1. Nagging, pleading, begging, or threatening. You will just be seen as mean and cruel. S/he will stay fat.
2. Withholding sex. You will just be seen as cold and uncaring. S/he will stay fat.
3. Keeping junk food out of the house and only preparing or buying food that is healthy. This is actually a good practice no matter what your partner does, but it won’t stop her from eating as much junk food as she wants outside the home or from sneaking it in. Here you will be seen as controlling by your partner but at least when he talks about you to others, the others will think, “Hummm, sounds like a rational thing to do!” S/he will stay fat.
4. Doing an intervention. S/he will stay fat.
5. Making them feel guilty about not caring about the family. "If you love us you will lose weight." Being chronically overweight or obese is just like an addiction. People don't stop drinking or drug use because they love their families. It is usually because they just bottom out and finally can't take it anymore. This is most often the case for significant weight lose and healthy weight management. Sad for us all, but most often the fact of the matter. S/he will stay fat.
If your partner refuses to lose weight, there is nothing you can directly do about it. You will need to learn to live with him as he is. Find ways to grieve the loss of the image you wanted for your partner, learn to live with what might happen due to health reasons, and find ways to have genuine fondness and admiration for other good traits about him that are real during the time you do have together. Am I saying to give up trying? I am saying to give up on trying to change something about somebody else that is out of your control.
Or, you can leave the relationship. However, I do not advise trying a divorce or separation to make her lose weight. What you hope will happen with these manipulative strategies is rarely, if ever, what actually results. True, the stress and trauma from a divorce may cause a temporary weight loss, but unless that person chooses to maintain the weight loss, most often the weight will be gained back. Until an overweight person commits to an actual smart plan designed for weight-loss and a sound maintenance program, she or he will continue the yo-yo routine of losing and gaining and losing and gaining. Once you realize that you have no power over this behavior, let your grief lead to acceptance of what you can and can’t change and the wisdom to know the difference.
Whew! Now, what is the surprising good news?
In 2007, articles entitled “Is Fat Contagious?” appeared in prominent media sources taken from the New England Journal of Medicine. The articles were based on new information from an interesting study concerning weight-gain in America. This study tracked over 12,000 people between 1971 and 2003. One researcher asked a new question of the data: How does a person’s social network (family and friends) affect weight changes? Here is the surprising result: 37%-57% of the time when there was a significant weight gain, someone in the person’s significant social network also gained substantial weight!
The key people of greatest influence were the immediate and extended family as well as the best friend. Others did not play a significant role in the weight gain. Thus, this very well-researched study did significantly prove that “fat IS contagious.”
So, here is the good news. Where significant social networks greatly influence weight gain. they ALSO FOUND THE REVERSE WAS TRUE! If someone who is overweight and actually loses weight, there is 37% to 57% chance of being an actual weight-loss influence on those closet to you. Far more of an influence than one overweight person telling another more overweight person to lose weight. Therefore, WEIGHT LOSS IS ALSO CONTAGIOUS!
Here are some important facts to consider: There is a 70% chance that you are overweight along with your partner. How would I know? Because 60-70% of Americans are overweight or obese with the prediction that by 2015, 75% or more Americans will be the same.And, it is spreading globally. Mexico is now number one in the world in the percentage of overweight/obese people with a growing diabetes epidemic. A small island in the Pacific imported a western diet, and now 95% of the adults are overweight or obese.
Interestingly, the latest research shows that a high percentage of Americans who are overweight, view others as overweight, but not themselves. We are kidding ourselves!
So, if you happen to be overweight, the most influence you can have on your spouse is for YOU to significantly lose weight without saying a word about it. This is your best shot if you are serious about wanting anyone else to lose weight. Is this guaranteed? No. But, you will have more than a 50-50 chance of influencing them. You are focusing on what you can change not what you can’t. And, even if you don’t, YOU will feel better about your health, energy level, and liveliness.
How do I know? Well, I thought I was getting old but it turned out I was getting fat!
I say, “Weight loss is contagious, but YOU have to catch it first!”
Wishing you both the best in what is possible with your weight and focusing on what matters most in your heart.
Now, let's get to it!
Don
Email Don Elium By Clicking Here
Or call 925 256-8282 Walnut Creek, CA San Francisco Bay Area
