 |
 |
|||
 |
|
|
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
You Can’t Solve It All On A Weekend Getaway (But it can be a good start!) By Don Elium, MA MFT (©2003)
A weekend getaway, a night away from the kids, going to a movie. . . it is impossible to satisfy all our emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and sexual wants, needs, and fantasies in one evening or weekend. But in our hurried lifestyles we tend to tell ourselves that if we could just "get away" for a night or two everything would be just fine. That the "magic moment" will cure all our daily hurts, shortcomings, and feelings of isolation. It won't.
• DON'T EXPECT TO SOLVE YOUR DAILY RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS IN ONE NIGHT OR A WEEKEND
A weekend away can be a good beginning to solving problems, but saving up all our needs for special events creates impossible expectations. The results are almost always anxiety, worry, embarrassment, anger, and quiet discontent. Both people drive home feeling disappointed, resentful, and ready to fight. A change in 
thinking, however, can make a getaway not only romantic but also refreshing and invigorating. While a getaway can reawaken our desire for the other, we will enjoy our time together much more by leaving both expectations and our worries about the "daily grind" at home.
• PLAN LESS--ENJOY MORE: The Spontaneity Cure
Planning creates expectations. Performance anxiety comes from unrealistic expectations. The best getaways have fewer expectations and more "being in the moment." Many couples find that the spark that brought them together often diminish in the come and go of daily life. Expectation and predictability become the norm. The spark can be rekindled through a little surprise and spontaneity. So, rather than over-planning, choose a place to go and agree to do only "what comes next." 
A “do what comes next getaway” golden rule is: you know what you do next by what you feel you need, right then, right there. It might be a nap, because of the long drive to get to your chosen place. You may want to take a walk to stretch out the kinks and to look around, or to spend some time alone, to unpack, to shower, or to relax. Whatever it is, talk about what is next and only do that. Make no plans beyond the step that you are on and the one that you feel you would like to take next. Within three hours, you both will feel more relieved than you have felt in years, and by the end of the day you will feel the freedom of spontaneity--the best cure for burn out both individually and as a couple. If you can't get away, have a daily "do what comes next hour" or a "do what comes next day," where you and your partner just hang out and talk about yourself and each other, not knowing what comes next. Letting the moment speak to you, not the day timer.
AGREE TO BE LOVING BUT NOT MAKE LOVE RIGHT AWAY
Expecting to jump immediately into bed with each other may look exciting in a movie or 
more realistic in the early days of a relationship, but in real life couples need time to get reconnected and in synch with their own selves, before they can get back in-synch with each other. Only then is physically and emotionally intimacy possible. Once you are in the zone of "doing what comes next "(spontaneity), you will begin to naturally feel what you “want” return, or at least begin to be aware of what has been missing in yourself and your relationship.
However, be aware that if your daily relationship is not going well, an argument over the decision when and if to have sex will most likely come up. This often takes the form of getting mad about something silly--an effective strategy to avoid emotional and physical intimacy--and a sign that less expectation and more "being in the moment" is needed. If the relationship is under great stress, some couples report that agreeing to be open to the moment, to "do what comes next" and to NOT HAVE SEX right away often establishes a new openness allowing sex to become the natural fulfillment of a desire to be loving. Sex can be a great short-term stress reducer. But for ongoing, long-term relationships, the desire for sex plummets as the built up “undiscussed and avoided” topics of disagreements increases. The more the build, the less we are attracted to the other, and the more we become someone that we ourselves don’t even like.
Daily Care Form The Foundation Of The Rejuvenating Getaways
Walking away when angry and coming back when calm, self-soothing, deep breathing, quieting one's mind through mediation, stress reduction techniques (see Note below), taking control of only what you can (yourself), stop hurting in response to being hurt, are all quick ways of interrupting a "flash" fire of hurt and anger and bring care and concern back into focus.
Daily self and relationship-care form the foundation of enjoyable and rejuvenating getaways. However, all relationships that focus on only on pleasure as their goal will fail. Performance anxiety is a signal to slow down and find what is out of balance---and correct it. The cure is "meaningful" connection with our mate, that includes pleasure. It is" meaning" that we all crave: to be understood, considered, to be treated the way we like to be treated, and to join with someone to create something greater is at the core of satisfying and lasting relationships. Sex is a powerful drive, activity, and bond that has to be a servant of our hearts for our performance anxieties to be transformed into emotional, sexual and loving passion.
(Note: Energy Psychology is a new field of new emotional stress reduction techniques that can dramatically reduce immediate over-reaction as well as reduce longer term emotional problems. For more information on these self-help methods, visit www.Donelium.com and www.BeSetFreeFastDVD.com)
Don Elium, MA MFT is a marriage and family therapist in practice in Walnut Creek, CA (San 
Francisco Bay Area). He is psychotherapist to adult individuals and coupls, a national professional speaker, frequently appears on television and radio, and is co-author, with his wife Jeanne, of
Raising a Family: Living on Planet Parenthood, Raising a Son, Raising a Daughter, and Raising a Teenager. 
Don is also host and producer of the DVD:
You can visit his website at www.DonElium.com
Don Elium copyright 2008