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Stop Kidding Yourself About Holidays! How To Avoid Arguments At Thanksgiving Dinner? How Am I Suppose To Know What She Wants? |
How Avoid Arguments At Thanksgiving Dinner?!
Dear Don,
Thanksgiving is coming and for several years now the group that attends our dinner gets into arguments about politics, religion and, sometimes, personal things. It is always just under the level to where you feel like you can't say anything about it but just up to the level that makes the last part of the day leave a bad taste. This year I wanted to start early to see if there is a way to stop or at least reduce the arguments during Thanksgiving Dinner and at the end of the day. I would like to try something new. Any suggestions?--Tired of Feeling Like A Turkey
Dear Turkey,
Set the table conversation now, instead of that day.
Decide on the tone you want during the day and then reverse engineer it to see how to make that happen.
This is a very common problem with many families on this day, a day that has become known more as an extended-family-and-friends holiday. That means this day, more than any other holiday, will be full of relatives, some of which you consciously choose not to be around the rest of the year, because you don't like something about them; probably the thing you are frustrated with in this question! Since you can choose your friends but not your family, conversation for any extended time will have to deal with the inevitable conflicts that occur. Is there a way to reduce the unpleasantness? Here are three things to consider:
1. End-of-Thanksgiving-Day-arguments often happen due to the amount of alcohol that has been consumed during the day. Several people full of "liquid courage" can decide it is time to have spirited conversation about presidents, political parties, religious issues, or personal feedback. It is a fact that MOST highway fatalities are not New Years, but Thanksgiving. 91% of people traveling on Thanksgiving are driving cars to their destination according to the Research and Innovative Technology Administration (RITA) of the Department of Transportation. In terms of driving, it is the deadliest holiday. For many, in terms of enjoyment, it also is the deadliest. Since alcohol is often the link between both of these problems, decide beforehand whether alcohol plays a part in the unpleasantness you describe in your question and look for ways to reduce or eliminate this 
element. You could ask for an alcohol-free Thanksgiving Day as an experiment. If that does not work for your group, ask that people stop drinking at a determined time allowing them to be ready to drive home safely. It might also allow the ending of the day to be less combative.
For travel safety you can let everyone know that you will have an alcohol breathalyzer (Click Here For An Example From Amazon.com. Research carefully for the one best for your situation.) so everyone who is drinking can know they are safe to drive home or be offered more time to stay the evening if the numbers show risk.
Alcohol is not the only influence that drives people to act badly. Sometimes groups need some structure and a direction of focus for a day. This leads to the second suggestion.
2. Have A Table Conversation Theme decided in advance. For example, create a Gratefulness theme. Ask each guest to bring two short stories—one serious, one humorous--of things they are truly grateful for from the previous year. To keep from pressuring people who are shy about such things, one sentence or word could also be suggested. Spread the sharing conversation theme throughout the meal. People can go one at a time popcorn style with natural breaks for table talk along the way. Have a "captain" in charge of the sharing as the meal progresses, especially when people start getting worked up over this or that. This will keep the tone toward personal gratefulness and away from the volatile topics of combative politics, religion or past hurts. Even if a person talks about political things, it could be redirected to the general theme of gratefulness.
3. After the meal/cleanup have a simple game planned that everyone can participate. Here is the perfect time to stop the alcohol consumptions if this is a concern. A game where all can participate is a way to enjoy each other and set back from the more pressing concerns of the world.
And, when someone complains about the structure and all this "feel good" talking, you can just remind them of the name of the Holiday: Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving is just a hard day for most. And if you don't see it as a hard day, you are not one of the ones who are doing the real work of preparation and leadership. Take a breath, decide what outcome you are hoping for and lightly structure the day's conversation theme during the meal and a simple activity that keeps everyone childlike.
Now, let's get to it!
Don
Don@DonElium.com
In office in Walnut Creek, CA
925 256-8282
Don Elium, MA MFT practices individual and couple counseling in his office in Walnut Creek, CA,
San Francisco Bay Area.
