What is the difference between resentment and hatred?

Not much. Resentment and hatred are made from the same stuff: strong dislike and disgust.

People often behave out of hatred but call it resentment, frustration, or irritation, because hatred seems such a strong word with very negative connotations. However, these seemingly more moderate words often hide the intensity of the real feelings--intense dislike and disgust. Hatred is the honest word, especially in long-term, committed relationships.  

Hatred builds underneath the surface of things. It grows out of fear: fear that I can't have what I feel I deserve, fear that you won't give me what I feel I must have from

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you, and fear that life won't go the way I want it to go. Hatred, also known as contempt, is so common and so central to long-term committed relationships it is the number one predictor of impending divorce. Given that the divorce rate is 50%, "what do I hate in my relationship" is a very crucial question to ask, answer and face squarely.

Hatred breeds when you feel manipulated to do something and out of fear can't work up the strength to say no to, like when you need to set healthy boundaries. Hatred happens when you try to force others to do things they don't want to do, for whatever reason. From this perspective, you can see why you experienced hatred toward your parents and why your children sometimes have momentary hatred toward you. It happens naturally in relationships of all kinds. A responsible parent's job is to impose requirements on kids that they usually hate and need to fulfill. Hatred simply happens in the course of all relationships. Because hatred is such a strong emotion, we hide from it by pushing it down to avoid the intensity of the conflict. Hatred is one of the challenges when you face the work of creating healthy compromises and setting reasonable boundaries.

Hatred becomes a problem most when it moves from the momentary reactions of strong dislike that naturally come and go in a relationship into a "permanent resident" (J. Gottman) in the general atmosphere of a relationship, the entire home, even a neighborhood or country.

Strong, built-up resentment/contempt/hatred is the number one signal of pending divorce. It is the main emotional driver of alcoholism. It is the cause of active and passive violence and all out war. It happens inside of each and every human being.

One of the main generators of hatred is forcing yourself to do things you really don't want to do but feel you should out of guilt and fear. You use guilt to deny that you hate doing it. The reverse also generates hatred when you use guilt or fear to force others to do things they don't want to do, saying it is "for their own good" or that “I deserve that they do this for me.”

When you admit to yourself that you hate doing something, a door to your raging emotions opens. Now you are being honest with yourself. Letting your emotions pass without taking any actions, you can now look at the situation and see what you really need to do from a calmer more aware place. You may end up doing what you strongly dislike anyway, but done out of choice instead of fear. However, if you deny the hatred—intense dislike or disgust--that you really feel, you will most likely react impulsively instead of mindfully.

To reduce or neutralize hatred, it is best to face your fear directly and to set clear boundaries, saying "no" where possible and setting up choices that you CAN say "yes" to and follow through on. Be careful here. It is easy to temporarily avoid the conflict altogether, kidding yourself and others by denying the hatred you feel. When you do this, you continue to build up more emotional intensity, and you avoid the conflicts that naturally occur while working out compromises and setting the boundaries that are needed.

For the reverse, when you ask someone to help you and they pause or appear resistant, it is best to slow down and see if there is a way to enlist their help without having to talk them into it. If you try to force them by passively or aggressively manipulating them, over time they will develop hatred toward you, and you will pay for it later.

Who does hatred hurt the most? You! If you deny or avoid your own hateful emotions, you lose your ability to make mindful choices that are in your best interest as well as others. As the old saying goes your resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person becomes sick.

Resentment is merely hatred dressed in sheep's clothing. It comes and goes. Feel it. Know it when it occurs. Let it be an important signal that you need to face whatever fear is happening in you. When it comes, pause and wait until it passes. Give your emotions time to settle. Respectfully look at what is possible. Set boundaries with agreements based on what each person involved can actually demonstrate through observable behavior, not on hopes, wishes, or fantasies.

Don't let an emotion like fear and hated become a hidden, sneaky, aggressive big bad wolf in you!

Now, let's get to it!

Don

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Don, and his wife Jeanne, are currrenly working on their fifth book on family and relationships: YOUR Relationship Blind Spot. To be available soon! Keep up to date with monthly columns and personal and relationship information through the Don Elium Newsletter, by clicking here!