Why Are Our Conversations At Home

Like TV Courtroom Drama?!

Dear Don,

I want to talk more openly with my wife about things but we always end up in an argument about who is right and who is wrong over the silliest points. Our conversations are more like the courtroom dramas on TV. Is there a guide somewhere about what makes a conversation between married couples productive?

--Feeling Like I Am In A Courtroom!

Yes, below is a simple but potent list of the do’s and don’ts of conversation from the book by Deborah Flick, From Debate To Dialogue. If you study this well and have it in front of you during some of your efforts at talking with your wife, you may be able to break out of the courtroom drama and into a real conversation.

However, the actual reason all married couples struggle with marital conversations isn't because they don't have the right list. It is because they don't know how to productively deal with conflict where compromise is needed. How to compromise is something that must be learned. It doesn't come naturally. And marriage is the strictest teacher of it. Many people respond to this statement with "Hey, I have compromised way too much. That is why I am fed up and angry." Well, you have probably appeased rather than compromised. When you appease your partner, you have just gone along with whatever the issue is to get them to either shut up or give in later. The end result, however, is that you end up feeling resentful. Productive compromises don't breed resentment. They take time

What Is The Difference Between A Complaint And A Criticism? What Is The Difference Between Resentment and Hatred? How do I best listen to an angry, resentful and blaming spouse? Why Are Our Conversations At Home Like TV Courtroom Drama?! What is best to do after a bad argument? Why active listening doesn't work in marriage

and many discussions to get to a point where each partner can live with the decision without strong

resentment. Each person accepts the fact of the situation and does what they can to live and work with it.

From your question, however, there could be so much resentment toward each other that the dialogue guides listed here might get derailed, and you'll return to courtroom debate mode. Unaddressed resentment fuels the debates in marriage.

So, it might take some couple counseling sessions to vent the underlying emotion in a constructive manner and learn how

to use these simple dialogue guidelines with productive results. Give it a try on your own, but know there is help with counseling, individual or couple, that can put some legs on the right side of this very helpful list:

 

Dialogue There are multiple, valid points of view To understand from other's point of view Curious and open "What's new? Of value? What can I learn?" Listen as opportunity to deepen understanding Be open to what they care about Reflect instead of react Inquire to understand and clarify Explore alternative points of view Walk in another's shoes

Debate There is one right answer To win, be right, sell, persuade Evaluating and critical "What's wrong here" Listening judgmentally Plan your rebuttal Interrogate to discredit Inquire to challenge Assert own position Devil's Advocate

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, let's get to it!

Don

Don@DonElium.com

In office in Walnut Creek, CA

925 256-8282

Don Elium, MA MFT practices individual and couple counseling in his office in Walnut Creek, CA,

San Francisco Bay Area.