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What Is The Difference Between A Complaint And A Criticism?
Dear Don,
I have a deep love in my heart for my wife. However, she says I am too critical of her. Truth is, I am so frustrated with her inconsiderate, passive-aggressive behavior that I feel like pulling out my hair. I don't know what is wrong with her. Her mother was the same way. She does this kind of stuff all the time. This morning I was greeted, once again, with a sink full of dishes she agreed to do last night before bed. I had to spend twenty minutes clearing them to be able to start my day, and I was late for work. What should I do?---At Wit's End
Dear At-Wit's-End,
Complain more. Criticize less.
Criticism is a destructive global attack on a person's personality, childhood, history, or character. Complaints, however, are about a person's behavior--a specific thing, time, and place. With complaints there is no attack, but there is emotion and a direct focus on the actual problem. The marriage research of John Gottman points to criticism as one of the basic relationship poisons that breeds contempt, also known as hatred. High levels of contempt for your partner is the number one predictor of unhappiness and divorce. It is at this simple but powerful crossroad of criticism and complaint that the actual life or death of your marriages lies.
For example, a productive complaint would be, "I am so mad at you for not doing the dishes last night like you said you would. I had to deal with them this morning and was late for work!" Stop there. Shut up. This will focus her and you on what really happened. You see complaints aren't happy and positive. They are direct about how you really feel about what is actually happening or just happened. You need to keep the conversation on the working-out-the-dishes problem to find out what is possible with that frustration.Now, it is easy to turn a complaint into poisonous criticism by just adding, "What is wrong with you?" or "Don’t you love me?" or "How many times to I have to tell you to do something?" "You are just like your mother." "Your therapy isn't working." See the difference? Yes, I know her behavior is frustrating you. Yes, I know she does these things often. But, criticizing her won’t change her behavior. In marriage, all criticism is destructive and a deadly poison.Every relationship with a long-term commitment, especially marriage, has issues to complain about. Some of those issues are resolvable, and some aren't. The ones that are truly not fully resolvable will require you to work with each other to reduce the amount of negativity that is generated from them. Otherwise, criticism's cousin—contempt--will move into your house. It sounds like this relative has already moved into your spare room, as your question is full of contempt, defined as “mean, vile, or worthless; disdain; scorn." You see, contempt, no matter what you hold in your heart, gives the other the message that they are not worth dealing with and worthless. THAT is the message you are sending your wife. THAT is what she is reacting to with you, making matters much worse for your both. Why would your wife want to listen to your
Face Tough Relationship Conversations In A Fundamentally New Way What Is The Difference Between A Complaint And A Criticism? What Is The Difference Between Resentment and Hatred? How do I best listen to an angry, resentful and blaming spouse? Why Are Our Conversations At Home Like TV Courtroom Drama?! |
message that she is beneath you, worthless and vile? Worse, that redirects her attention away from what happened, leaving
the dishes overnight, to a endless unresolvable debate and defense of her character.
Contempt kills happiness in a relationship. Then it kills the
relationship. Dead. Then it kills your feeling heart. Feeling contempt for a person is like picking up a red-hot piece of iron to throw at somebody. You not only hurt your partner but also yourself with your criticism and contempt.
So, learn to complain more often and stay focused on working at things one at a time. At the same time, away from the conflicts, work on getting that love in your heart more out of your mouth and into your behavior toward her. Complain AND express that fondness you feel away from the conflict.
Right now you are both bringing an attitude of contempt toward each other before any discussion of concern even begins. It is vital that you learn the art of the healthy complaint while bringin more genuine more fondness, friendship, and actual interest you show away from the conflict, the more you both will have a reason to face this frustration more gently, more honestly, and more as they really are.
Now, let's get to it!
Don
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