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Stop Kidding Yourself About Holidays! How To Avoid Arguments At Thanksgiving Dinner? How Am I Suppose To Know What She Wants? |
Why Do I Feel So Unloved After Christmas Time?
Dear Don,
The Christmas holidays have come and gone, and once again I have this letdown feeling inside. I smiled, I laughed, I made nice, but now that it is all over, to be honest, I don't feel loved. The presents I received were nice, but they really didn't hit that spot inside of me that wants to feel loved. How can I stop feeling so disappointed about feeling unloved after Christmastime?--Always one reindeer short of a good sleigh ride
Dear Always Short,
Stop trying to turn your Christmas into a magical time of unrealistic and painful expectations.
There are two days of the year when many of us get caught in the trap of impossible expectations. One is the birthday, and the second is Christmas--for those who celebrate it. Unlike marriage anniversaries, which are about being in a relationship, birthdays and Christmas are two of the most tempting times of the year to use as indicators of how loved and valued we really are.
The unconscious wish that maybe Santa, or even God, will make you feel right inside, often develops in childhood and plays out during these events. You want someone to prove that you are worthy as a person, show that you are cared about, and surprise you by giving you something that you want deep in your heart without having to ask for it. You hope that the special day will make up for all of the disappointments that you suffer during the rest of the year. These expectations drive post-holiday suffering for many. Whew! That is a tall order, even for Santa.
So, what is a reasonable expectation from special days? I suggest that you investigate this question. You don't get what you expect, you get what you inspect!
Rather than waiting for those special days to feel seen, heard, and loved, make a New Years Resolution to make EACH DAY a day to be loving to those that are special to you.
As an old radio preacher once said, "The problem with life is that it is just so daily!" When you don't attend to the hard stuff in life daily, it multiplies, and then the special days go sideways because of the built up resentment and hurt, just outside of your awareness. Whatever you are NOT facing in your daily life--both giving and receiving--will show up as a deficit right after these holidays.
The problem isn't Christmas or the birthday. The problem is you can't save up hurts and resentments and have them resolved in a gift giving and receiving madhouse on Christmas day or your birthday. If you feel unloved and letdown, it doesn't come from those two days. It comes from what you haven't attended to in all the other days--what you have been avoiding and resisting.
Feeling unloved right after the holiday is an opportunity, though painful, showing you that how your daily relationship life is out of balance--either you are giving too much to others and expecting them to read your mind as to what you want, or you are trying to get something from another that you can only give yourself. What is the imaginary conversation you are having about this in your head and what are the real conversations you need to have with real people? Your mental ruminations need tending in your daily life. It could be the tip of the iceberg of your unhappiness. Real conversations make frustrating imaginary conversations in your head go away.
Look for what you have been avoiding in yourself and in your relationships. Instead of having Christmas be a self-worth measuring stick, let these holidays be a time of reflection for new choices and a change of perspective for the rest of the year.
This could be your missing reindeer; the one with the bright nose that shines the way forward into the fresh and new possibilities!
Now, let's get to it!
Don@DonElium.com
In office in Walnut Creek, CA
925 256-8282
Don Elium, MA MFT practices individual and couple counseling in his office in Walnut Creek, CA,
San Francisco Bay Area.
