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I Need To Shut UP, But I Can't!
I need to shut up, but I can't. My sister and brother sat me down and confronted me about how angry I get at people when they disagree with me. They say that I am so opinionated that they have stopped wanting to be around me, because they get the impression that I think they are stupid. This is tough medicine to swallow. I spoke to my husband, who I thought loved my "spiritedness," and I was shocked to find out—after much prodding--that he, too, after ten years of marriage, had given up disagreeing with me about almost anything. I thought we were close. I really want to be loving with them. Sigh. I admit that I have passionate beliefs about many things, and I am proud of that! I don't have a high view of most people's intelligence these days. I can become very animated, but I had no idea my family felt this way. And, to my surprise, I have tried not to over-react and to keep my opinions to myself, and I just can't. Why can't I just shut up and move on?--Feeling Miserable Dear Feeling Miserable,
Just trying to stop is a good start, but it won't work. You have to change your underlying belief that people are stupid, or you will be right back at it within hours or days. Here is why: People act according to what feels real to them. The nature of the mind is to make whatever it is instructed to strongly believe, to This unknown-to-you underlying belief creates a blind spot to what is actually happening, and you can only see what your mind allows. If you find yourself unable to entertain other points of view with those you love and have that urge to cut them off and dominate the conversation, there is something in your mind that needs a fresh look to loosen up your spirited, stubborn belief about people. Your family is kindly pointing out one of your blind spots: no matter how good you feel your intentions are, you are giving the impression that they are stupid and what they think and feel doesn't matter to you. Your family’s feedback disturbs you, and rightly so, because the picture you have of yourself in your mind--your ideal image—does not match the actual feedback you are getting from three people who know you better than anyone else in the world. You need to investigate their feedback to become aware of what is making you out of synch with what is actually happening in your closest relationships. In this case, it is how you "see" disagreements. Let's pull the covers off this blind spot and investigate what is interfering with your genuine desire to be loving with those who are close to you. Disagreement can either be an opportunity to create closeness, or it can be seen as an act of war and a personal attack. Which one do you want it to be for you? Your family is asking you to consider a new way of seeing disagreement that invites vulnerability, getting know about each other, and learning something new about yourself. The most troubling aspect of underlying, emotionally charged beliefs is that you are unable to truly consider what others you care about tell you. That habit of needing to correct people for their own good keeps you from learning anything new about them or yourself. You will respond like an inflexible robot, instead of a living, flexible, vulnerable human being, who simply has her own views about things. Thank goodness you persisted with your husband, because you can now see this pattern When something is happening that you don't like, and your husband tells you about it, if you dominate him into silence, you have lost touch with him. You have also lost touch with yourself. Over time a deadness will be felt underneath all of your interactions. To have the closeness that you want, what's actually happening needs to be more important to you than being right or having people see things only your way. It is such a gift to your loved ones and to yourself to be taking what they are telling you to heart and seeking a way to really move forward. In order to stop: 1. Point Your Mind In A New Direction First, instead of believing that people who disagree with you are stupid, against you or deserve your anger, point your mind in a new direction. Say to yourself, "There is nothing wrong with them or me, this is just harder than we expected." Feel the difference? Notice where your mind has difficulty with the new statement, because you have believed the opposite for many years. It will take time for your perspective to change and for you to mature into a new way of seeing that gives you both your own voice about things and the closeness that you seek. Give yourself time to learn something new, step-by-step, and one moment at a time. 2. Have Realistic Expectations of Others & Yourself Two, when you feel worked up and have the urge to correct or push, say to yourself, "I really do want to know what is actually happening here, so I can care about those close to me. There is nothing wrong with me, this is just harder than I expected." This will help you to soothe down the anger and shame you carry when you feel like you have made a mistake. This helps you adjust the image you have of yourself that makes it impossible to actually be more real and friendly. You can now take responsibility for what is possible with what is actually happening around you with those you love. Rigid, emotionally charged beliefs will drive you to impossible expectations and unlivable, lonely standards. Focus on the possible of the here and now with those who are right there in front of you. 3. Apologize For Over-reactions Three, make yourself apologize for all of your over-reactions and critical remarks to each person, one at a time. Be sure to apologize only for the over-reaction. Then invite the other person to talk more about the concerns in a respectful and vulnerable way. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. This isn't just about shutting up. This is really about learning to disagree with respect and vulnerability, so that you both can learn new things and be honestly close with each other. Definitions help make each person unique. Defensiveness drives openness away. Define don't defend. Without openness, there is no vulnerability. Without vulnerability, there is no honesty. Without honesty, there is no closeness, no matter how it looks on the surface. 4. Define Who You Want To Be Four, define who you want to be at the moment of conflict. For example, say to yourself, "I can calm down and learn new things about the people I love." 5. Break disagreements down into small bites Five, don't try to work out all disagreements in one encounter. When you can, break the discussion into small bites, so you have time to calm down when the "stupid button" gets pushed. No matter what you do, you will still be angry and harsh sometimes. You are truly spirited. That will not change. However, if you change your underlying belief about people and yourself, you can go to them and apologize for the effect of your over-reaction on them while moving with what is important to you as a vulnerable person, not as a robot. In summary, life is in constant change. Seeing yourself or others as stupid keeps you from learning new things and will keep you out of touch with what is actually happening right under your nose. As you have found with your husband, if you are not aware of the new things happening, others will keep important things secret from you! So, why can't you shut up? You won't be able to do that unless you open your heart--your vulnerability--to others, and, give everyone, including yourself, a break. Remember: There is nothing wrong with anybody; life is just harder than we ever expected. We can’t change our personalities, but we all can be honest, respectful, vulnerable and learn something new with those we love. This is not getting permission to be inactive and irresponsible. This is a pathway where the vulnerability to learn new things allows you to develop a strength that has the needed flexibility to deal with the inevitable conflict and change that relationships with those we love brings. "Out beyond wrong doing and right doing is a place. I will meet you there." --Rumi
Now, let's get to it! Don Don Elium, MA MFT practices individual and couple counseling in his office in Walnut Creek, CA, San Francisco Bay Area He also works by PHONE as well as through VIDEOCAM--SKYPE with those in the United States and Internationally. Don is author, with his wife Jeanne,of four best selling books, including Raising a Family. Click Here For More Questions and Answers from Don Elium, MA MFT!
Copyright 2009, Don Elium, Walnut Creek, CA, USA. All rights reserved.
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Dear Don,
You cannot just shut up and move on, because you believe that people are stupid and deserve to be yelled at. As long as this belief is in place, there will be no sustained change. Yes, this feedback is tough medicine! Yes, you are a wonderfully strong person and very passionate, but you have let your beliefs turn you into a bully. That is what your family is trying to get you to consider. They love you, they miss you, and they can't take it any more. Though hard to take, this feedback is a gift from those who love you, as long as you know what to do with it. 
feel as if it is real, whether it is or not. When any belief becomes extremely strong, rigid and passionate, no matter what actually occurs, you will see what your beliefs tell you to see, rather than what IS actually happening. The most difficult beliefs are the ones just under the surface of your awareness that you don't even know are there. However, they are clearly apparent to those around you. The clue that a belief is there is when those who love you give you feedback that doesn't match how you view the effect of your own behavior on them.
happening in your marriage. You and your husband may look okay on the outside, but he told you that he gave up telling you the truth about things years ago. This lack of honesty between you has created a blind spot. He is now inviting you to see underneath his complying, pleasing exterior. He is afraid to be vulnerable with you, and he has many unexpressed things stored up. He thinks you are not interested in him anymore. Are you? 
