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Grief: My Mind Is Arguing With Reality

Dear Don,

My elderly mother passed away about a year ago. My sister is

taking it quite well, but I am not.  I have attended a few grief groups and have cried buckets of tears, but I still wake up every morning thinking about calling her as I have done for years. Sometimes I actually pick up the phone and dial. I even hear the ring before I remember she is gone. My well-meaning sister is concerned about me. The tears keep coming. In truth, I still can't believe she's gone! I am angry about it. I blame myself for not doing more, and I catch myself daydreaming, "How could this have been different?" What is going on with me? --Going Round and Round,

 

Dear Going Round and Round,

Your mind is arguing with reality. This happens in the first three stages of the process of grief. The nature of the mind is to make what it thinks feel true. When people say, "But I believe so and so, and it feels true to me," what they are saying is that they are putting strong energy into a thought in their mind, and the mind is creating a true feeling, because that is exactly what the mind does. It doesn't mean that what they believe is real. It just means that the mind is making it feel real. If your beliefs are not representative of what is actually happening in life, then you are out of touch with yourself and your life. Because, you see, the mind simply goes wherever you point it. 

For example, if right now you put strong attention to the thought, "I believe I'm a good person," the mind will show you a power point presentation of the many good things you have done for others.  If you put strong attention to the thought, "I believe I'm a bad person," the mind will show you another power point presentation about the bad things you have done to others. You see, the mind simply goes wherever you point it. This becomes a habit of perception, or simply said, how you see things. Everyone can watch a sunrise and agree that this is happening. But everyone seeing that sunrise gives it meaning through the filter of his or her beliefs. One person is glad, because he believes it is a sign of the beginning of a good day. Another person is sad because she believes this is a sign of the beginning of a bad day. The stronger and the longer you pour energy into thoughts, the more true they are going to feel--whether they are reflective of what is actually happening or not.

Now, let's get back to your thoughts about your mother's passing. When you lose someone very dear to you, whether sudden or expected in the case of long-term illness, the mind doesn't immediately adjust to this loss, no matter where you point it. Your mind’s habits of thinking are firmly in place and won't change easily. It will take a while for all of the thoughts that form your beliefs to change. The closer and more meaningful a person is to you, the more energy you have poured into the thoughts, therefore, the more time and effort it will take to change those perceptions, especially with your mother, since she has ALWAYS been there for you and with you, until now.

So, your mind is still having a serious argument with reality, and reality is defined as simply what is actually happening. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ stages of grief are a great example of how the mind takes very predictable steps when it has to adjust to an essential loss before it gives up and accepts things as they actually are. The experience of sadness weaves itself through the grieving process. Sadness happens as you experience the loss and feeling and expressing the pain of that loss.

The statements you wrote in your question are perfect examples of the first three predictable stages of the grieving process, where the mind is giving it's best arguments as to why what has happened can't be true. Let's take stages (dynamics) of grief step by step:

Stage One: Arguing with Reality Through Shock/Denial 

~"I still can't believe she is gone!"~  

The underlying experience is surreal.

• Notice that I am writing about your mind and not about you, so far. That is because the you, or self, is independent of the mind as well as your emotions--though intimately woven together. You have a mind and you have emotions, but neither are you. When beliefs become inflexible, the mind acts as if nothing has changed when it actually has and one's self gets out of synch with the reality of what is happening. That is why I say that your mind is arguing with reality. This argument is putting your perception out of synch with what is happening. When there is loss, there is sadness, and where there is sadness, there is the process of grief, and the first natural argument the mind goes through is "NO! Absolutely not. This is not happening." So, even if you see the body of your deceased mother, your mind will make you feel like it isn't really happening. It makes you feel as if you are in a dream, surreal, because your mind is actually creating a perception that isn't real. It is in shock and denial. "No, this can't be true." So, in summary, in the first stage of grief, your mind is arguing with reality through denial.

Stage Two: Arguing with Reality Through Anger/Blame

~" I am angry about it. I blame myself for not doing more."~

The underlying experience is fault.

• After or during the "No!" of shock and denial comes anger. With the anger comes the sorting out of whose fault it is. The mind is trying to find the one who is responsible in a hopeless attempt to make things right. This mind activity keeps you preoccupied and arguing with yourself or others over what happened to avoid the feeling of the reality of what has happened, which is the reality of loss.

Stage Three: Arguing with Reality Through Bargaining 

~"How could it have been different? What if . . .?"~

The underlying experience is desperation.

• In this stage, preoccupations of the mind are high, desperately trying to find a last chance way to spare itself the adjustment to the loss. A good example is when a divorce is final, your ex has moved on, but you are still going over what you could have done to prevent the divorce from happening.  Learning from mistakes is one thing, but obsessing about things that are out of your control is your mind arguing with reality through bargaining.

Note that these stages are intertwined, and a person goes back and forth as he or she moves down the path of grief. A person can be in more than one stage at a time, but the stages are presented in a certain order for explanation purposes. These stages simply take the time and effort that they take, and they are different for everyone. 

You can get stuck in these early stages. If you continue to pour energy into the thoughts of each stage, especially in an effort NOT to move on, because you don't want to. Remember, the mind goes where you point it. If you don't want to live without a loved one in your life, and you are going around and around in the first three stages of grief, then this is a way to do exactly that—to not live your life. It would be wrong and cruel to reduce these natural stages of grief to irresponsibility and a simple refusal to move on. Every person moves through these natural thoughts and emotions after experiencing loss. Compassion is needed here for everyone. However, if you are stuck in one or all of these three early stages, you need to reach out for help. You can't get your mother's life back, but therapy can help you get yours back. This begins Stage Four.

Sage Four: Experiencing Reality Through Sober Depression 

~"I just don't care anymore"~

~"It really happened."~

The underlying experience is soberness.

This is the beginning of the direct experience of the loss. It is sobering. Up to this point the mind has been going around and around the reality, generating all kinds of mental arguments and ensuing emotional upheaval. In this stage the emotions start to settle down into depression.  There are two flavors of depression in thi fourth stage of grieving. One is very dark and paralyzing with

thoughts of "I don't feel like living."  As long as this is fluid, and you move through it, there is no need for alarm. However, if it is strong, deep and paralyzing to the point that you cannot go about your daily life, you need counseling and possibly medication to help go through the darkness and enter into the soberness. You see, the depression is the direct experience of the loss.  Your mother is gone, and there will be a feeling of abandonment, for that is what creates the emotion of depression.  And since this is your mother, who has always been there in bodily form, your mind might need to recycle through the anger stage--this time with anger at her, for leaving you.  These feelings are natural and needed to acknowledge these thoughts and feel these emotions to get through them. Also, no matter whether you are religious or not, you may have to feel anger and even hatred toward God for taking her away from you. These thoughts are common and natural when anyone loses a loved one.

However, Stage Four of sober depression is the breakthrough doorway out of the darkness. As you are able to accept the reality that it really happened, you will begin to notice the arguments in your head start to give way to a calmer experience.  Emotion still comes, but softer and less intense.  Mental arguments are beginning to lessen and soften, too. The three previous stages have loosened the mind's protection from the pain, and you begin to directly experience the loss as real but also painful. These emotions need to be experienced with much soothing and comforting.

Stage Five: Knowing Reality Through acceptance

~"It's over."~

The underlying experience is surrender.

Here, you know the reality because your body begins to relax into what has happened and what is actually happening in your life. Instead of feeling stiff with resistance and avoidance, your body feels more like your own again and you fit into it without the surreal experience of living in a dream. Your thoughts and actions begin to reflect what is happening in the moment of each day.  Preoccupation with your loss turns into brief memories that are integrated into your day without interrupting your normal activities. The early stages can still be experienced, sometimes with great surprise. "I thought I was done with that!" may come up. But, remember that the mind works on so many levels at one time, and more than one thing can happen at once. So, easy does it, as early stages cycle through now and again. The mind is now surrendering, not through force, but by its own very natural way of adjusting and letting resistance to what has and is happening fall away.  Everyone wants to go directly to this stage, but the mind must walk its own steps in its own time. The early stages are actually preparation for this fifth stage.

Stage Six: Living the Reality of the Here and Now 

~"I am here, right now."~ 

The underlying awareness is presence. 

I add a sixth stage to the traditional five stages, because now you have moved through the other stages, and you have very little preoccupation with avoiding reality of the loss. The experience of your self, or presence, has emerged. Like a lantern whose flame has been turned down, it has now been turned back up as you receive feedback from others about the return of your presence. Your lost one now lives in your heart, and your mind is more free to focus on the living --you and those around you. Memories come that are in the flow of your day or night. You will still have dreams of the one who has passed. You may still have emotional moments, but they are clearly about the past as your mind is able to focus on the present tasks at hand. 

So, you can see where you are in this process and also where you are headed. It does sound like you are stuck in the early stages right now. You can't skip steps, but you can move forward more briskly. Counseling can help you get unstuck and move through the stages more fluidly. As I explained, everyone finds his own way through the grieving process, and the journey is unique to each individual. However, therapy that uses mental and

emotional relief techniques can relieve much of the suffering and help unstick the mind so you can move forward.  Here is a link to two great methods that are gentle and effective: Be Set Free Fast-BSFF and Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing-EMDR. An experienced therapist using both or either of these can effectively help you move through to the here and now and allow your mother to move down from you head and fully rest forever in your heart. Your mind is now free to allow you to live the life that you still have, right now.  It is exactly what your mother would want for you. Isn't it?

Sincerely,

Don

Don Elium, MA MFT practices individual and couple counseling in his office in Walnut Creek, CA, San Francisco Bay Area. He also works by PHONE as well as through VIDEOCAM--SKYPE with those in the United States and Internationally.

Don is author, with his wife Jeanne,of four best selling books, including Raising a Family.

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