Subscribe To The Don Elium Newsletter For Monthly Articles [Click Here]

How Am I Suppose To Know What She Wants!

Dear Don,
Last week I started a birthday firestorm by giving my wife presents that not only did she not want, but she said they were insulting. This must have been a long time coming because we have been married for over 20. I feel bad about her birthday. But I am shocked and my feelings are hurt. Holiday season is a around the corner. We have not uttered a word about it since.  What am I doing wrong? ---Not Wanting A Doghouse For The Holiday

Dear Doghouse Bound,

You are giving gifts that YOU want her to have, not the ones SHE wants.

"Okay," you say, "HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO KNOW WHAT GIFTS SHE WANTS?"
 
There are two underlying and conflicting beliefs about giving gifts to a spouse that cause huge frustration and confusion: one, that the gift must be a surprise, and two, if you ask what a person wants, then it doesn't count. 
  

A common mistake is the tendency to give your partner what you think s/he may want or what you think s/he may need without checking it out to make sure.  You might hit it right a few times, but most often you will miss the target.  So, here is a way to up your chance of hitting the bull's eye of your partner's heart and having a little fun in the process.
 
 

Give Three Gifts

The First Gift:  I call this gift the Satisfaction Guaranteed Gift.  Ask your spouse to make a list of 5 to 15 gifts of various price levels that she would like to receive.  Say that you are also going to use this list to help the kids with choosing presents for her.  Tell your wife that she will get one of these items from each family member.  One couple I know add to a "wish list" on Amazon.com throughout the year, so their Satisfaction Guaranteed Gift List is thoughtful and offers a bigger target to hit for gift satisfaction. Or, just keep a list for you both on the fridge door.  Don't go overboard, but choose one or two gifts from this list for your spouse, making sure they are on her list.  If she isn't being honest about what she wants, she will definitely correct that by the next holiday when she sees that you are taking what she says she wants seriously. One gift at the higher price and one at the lower price.  Make sure you get this list at least FOUR WEEKS before the occasion, earlier if possible.

The Second Gift: This is the Best-Guess Surprise Gift.  This gift is harder and a test of your listening and observation skills.  Listen to your wife throughout the year and make at least mental notes on things she says in passing that she might like to have.  If you can't remember or write these things down, TALK WITH HER BEST FRIEND FOR SUGGESTIONS.  While talking with her best friend, ask what your wife's favorite color is.  Look in her closet and notice the colors she likes to wear.  Better yet, ask your spouse these questions.  Make sure that anything you buy takes her colors into consideration.  Choose one gift that is your best guess of what she would like. This is where the element of surprise comes in.  If you follow the instructions, she will be delighted that you choose something that she mentioned, or told her best friend, or you heard her say something about.  She will know you took time to think about her and her likes and dislikes.  She will feel you tried your best to surprise her according her desires, not yours.  The bottom-line question that guides your thoughts and actions is: "Does this gift reflect what she cares about and wants, whether I like it or not?"
  

The Third Gift: This is the Gift YOU Want Her To Have.  That's right, whether she wants it or not, give her a gift you want her to have.  This gift is something you think would make her life better if she would just give it a try.  Make sure you keep the receipt so she can take it back if it misses the mark.  Remember, a gift is only good if the person likes it and will actually use it.  Just make sure that she DOES NOT OPEN THIS ONE FIRST.


There you go.  A minimum of three gifts that include the element of surprise, satisfaction guaranteed, and some humor.
  

Why are gifts so important?  In a marriage, gift giving offers a moment to let the other know that you think about him/her and her/his desires, wants, and wishes.  To feel seen, heard, and noticed is the greatest gift.  It is also a chance to heal some of the painful gift giving and receiving of the past! It won't take long before the past is forgotten.

In a workshop called Living In Family Mind, I ask each person to share the one gift they were most disappointed about in their childhood.  Most people mention things that they were totally not interested in, embarrassed about, felt judged badly by, or humiliated by how or what was given.  Then I ask about one present that still makes them feel warm inside.  Each present mentioned was obviously given by someone who took the time to really look through the receiver's eyes, whether the giver liked the gift or not. 

Step Forward With A Totally New Way
 

If you sincerely want to heal your past gift-giving mistakes in your marriage, apologize to your wife by saying or writing a heart felt note: "Honey, I am so sorry for the pain I have caused you all these years with my gifts to you.  To think we have made it this long together in spite of all those misses is amazing.  I want to try something new.  Please make a list of 5-15 things you would feel happy to receive, some low prices and some higher.  I want to make sure this holiday season that some of those show up for you from kids, Santa, and me.  There will also be some surprises, all with receipts to return if needed.  From now on I will know my gifts hit the right spot because I will ask you if they did and please tell me how your really feel.  And where they do, I will be happy that you have been gifted well. and when they don't, I will learn from each of them how to give from my heart to yours, according to what your heart really wants!"
 
Each gift giving occasion, when your wife genuinely says, "Thank you!" you will know that you hit this one just right.  And when she says, "Weeeeelllllll . . ." it is the signal to learn from the "oops" and be grateful that the pressure to be perfect is gone, and what is actually possible is before you. No matter how many tries, the gift you need to value most is her report of feeling seen, heard, and noticed--and teased just a little with Gift Three!

Happy Holidays, and let's get to it!

Don

Don@DonElium.com