Communication Techniques In Our Relationship Aren't Working

Dear Don,

My husband and I have been working on our communication for years. We’ve read the books, gone to seminars, and worked together in therapy, but we’re still stuck in the same senseless arguments. We practice the techniques for a while, but it’s not long before we’re in the same old communication patterns. What are we doing wrong? Joan

Dear Joan,

Communication is never the problem in a relationship. The message is always sent and always received.  The real problem is that although you hear each other loudly and clearly, you don’t like what you are hearing.

When you try to talk with your spouse about the hard issues, your feelings of fear, guilt, sadness, resentment, and anger arise. You get emotionally worked up!  In this state, you become defensive and impulsively debate what your spouse is saying.  You can’t believe that he feels and thinks this way, and you have to show him where he is wrong! 

But, when you calm down, and if you are honest with yourself, you admit that what is upsetting him is not a big mystery. Notice right now how some part of your mind does not like what you are reading, and you already feel defensive.  Try something new in response to your defensiveness.  Think of where you are stuck with your partner. Notice that you really do understand basically what he is saying about this issue and about you. 

Notice, also, that you don’t like what he is saying and that you are tired of hearing him say it a hundred zillion ways. Each time the two of you have this disagreement, you refuse to acknowledge the truth about it. You excuse yourself, because you believe that that your own bad behavior isn’t really such a big deal in comparison to how bad his behavior is toward you! 

You may feel all alone, but you are not. Your husband is reacting the same way that you are during these interactions, so your issues will never be resolved as long as you both stay in this vicious defensive cycle. Eventually, you will stop talking about anything with any meaningful substance.  This is why you both feel so alone while being right beside each other in the same bed.  Your problem isn’t communication. Your problem is that you are unwilling to be honest with yourself and to consider the truth about what you are hearing from each other.

The first step in freedom from this dilemma is to accept that learning new communication techniques is not the answer to your problems. The real solution lies in being honest and in stopping this defensive, vicious cycle of suffering.

The second step is to admit that you basically know what your partner is upset about. Take what he has been telling you at face value and consider the truth in what he is telling you.

The third step is to surprise him.  Be vulnerable and share this with your husband, “I really do hear what you have been trying to tell me.  I need a little time to consider how this might be true.  I’ll get back to you soon, and we can talk about this in a new way.”  Notice that your husband will at first have a skeptical look, and then just a little softness will emerge in his eyes.  This is his heart’s natural response to your vulnerability and your courage to be honest. Shut up at this point.  Zip it. Don’t undo the progress you have just made. Smile, walk away, and do exactly what you said you would do.

The fourth step requires that you learn something significantly new to get underneath your defensiveness: learn how to comfort yourself. You have probably noticed that during a hard conversation, no matter how much your husband loves you, you cannot count on him to consider your best interests and to comfort you at that moment.  This is common with everyone when caught up in blazing emotions. In this state, you respond from the “Lawyer Mind,” that primitive part of you that feels attacked, wants to defend, tries to turn things into debates, has to win at all costs, and attempts to finally shut your partner up. 

Being able to comfort yourself in the midst of emotional reactions enables you to become calm and respond from your heart, the home of what is most precious to you.  From this place you can be truthful and open, allowing space for new solutions to emerge.  Rather than constantly becoming stuck in the stupid, little things that bug you about each other, you and your partner will be able to talk about the real, hard issues with new understanding, respect, and consideration.  You can feel and let go of your emotions that have otherwise controlled you. Now, both of you will be more aware of how you effect each other and actually consider how to change in ways that bring more ease and flow to your life.

But how can you comfort yourself during these very emotional and disturbing moments?  To practice comforting yourself, try this:  When you feel your anxiety rising, take a deep breath and say to yourself, “There is nothing wrong with me.  Life is just harder than I ever expected.” 

Notice how the breath comes in and out of your nose. Now, move out of your head and allow your breathing to move to your lower belly. As you focus here, say the following several times: “There is nothing wrong with me.  Life is just harder than I ever expected.” Feel the emotions that come up, let them be whatever they are, and allow them to just go on by. Keep your attention and focus in the center of your chest. Let the effect of this simple and truthful statement wash over and through the emotional currents running inside you. Do this for a few moments, and the anxiety and emotional streams will eventually fall away into calmness.

This practice is effective, because it speaks directly to the hidden, unconscious belief that is actually running all of your over-reactions: “The reason that people are upset with me and that bad things happen to me is that I am fundamentally flawed as a person.”  Notice that when you read this phrase, you experienced a tense reaction and that something inside you agreed with this statement. You immediately wanted to hide from this awareness and to defend against it, because you really do believe that something is fundamentally wrong with you. This is also why you want to make something wrong with your spouse. If there IS something wrong with him, then maybe you are not the one who has the fundamental fatal flaw. The truth is that there is nothing wrong with either of you. Life is just harder that you ever expected!

The next time that you and your husband are all worked up, try saying to yourself, “There is nothing wrong with him.  This is just harder than he ever expected.”

Accepting that this is true about your husband will help soften your heart enough to have compassion for yourself and your husband so that you can both face a basic truth: Being in relationship is just far harder than either of you ever imagined!

----Don Elium, MA MFT, Walnut Creek,CA, San Francisco Bay Area, USA

Copyright 2008, Don Elium