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What is best to do after a bad argument?!
Have a recovery conversation.
Research by Dr. John Gottman, that included over 3,000 couples, over many years found that happy couples didn't necessarily argue less frequently than unhappy couples. Sometimes they argued more often, sometimes the same, but the main difference between the two was that the Happy couples knew how to have successful recovery conversations after arguments that ended badly.
The Unhappys stay in attack-defend mode of debate.
The recovery conversations of the Unhappys failed because they continued to stay in the attack-defend mode they had adopted during their argument as a reaction to feeling emotionally 
threatened. Each person listened and verbalized only what the other said that supported his or her one-sided, biased viewpoint. Neither person was open to considering the other’s point of view. Each tried to convince the other that they are %100 right and the other wrong.
Between talks, they have having imaginary conversations in their heads blaming the other and further building a case for their own increasingly hardening view point, further entrenching their bias. By the time they return to try to have a recovery conversation, they emotionally send the message, "I am still right and you are still wrong", without even saying a word. What starts badly in marriage tends to end badly. Neither person is open to learning something more or seeing things in a different way. Neither understands that they both could be equally right. Both miss the important clues to what is really going on. Eventually the Unhappys give up trying, resentment builds, and each starts tuning the other out.
It can actually appears calmer and more civil on the outside, but the wall around the feeling heart and the imaginary angry and blaming conversations in the head are hidden from view of the partner. The lack of emotional openness and emotional risk taking brings an emptiness to the relationship that is seen in those moments of frowns, sighs, and side glances of contempt. This pattern predictably leads to living together unhappily or to divorce.
The Happys calm down and regroup around a dialogue.
The Happys know that each argument that ends badly requires one or more recovery dialogues where each partner is willing to move away from an attitude of threat and emergency to a calmer interest in what the other person sees and feels. Bringing genuine interest and value to the other's point of view without abandaoning what you see and really feel creates a willingness to discover and work with what is really going on that could lay hidden outside of both of your viewpoints.
Dr. Gottman’s research revealed that recovery conversations had a better chance of success when each partner began by offering an honest concession to the other's point of view. The attitude, which each person brings to the recovery conversation, makes the most impact. By simply saying, "You are right. I was really angry at you," or "This is a tough conversation, isn't it," or "I am starting to understand more of what you were upset about," a recovery conversation gets off on a softer, more open and non-defensive/attack tone.
Face Tough Relationship Conversations In A Fundamentally New Way What Is The Difference Between A Complaint And A Criticism? What Is The Difference Between Resentment and Hatred? How do I best listen to an angry, resentful and blaming spouse? Why Are Our Conversations At Home Like TV Courtroom Drama?! |
Research also showed that the Happys could, at times, recover in the middle of a bad argument when one person shifted his or her approach, thereby sometimes triggering the other to do the same. However, the research is clear: the happiest couples often had recovery conversations repeatedly about the same issues. The important point here is that the happiest couples were masters of the recovery conversation but not perfect in getting through things the first time.
Marriage teaches that challenges and requirements of a long-term, emotionally committed relationship must be faced and handled in certain ways to be a Happy couple. You can't teach the process of marriage anything. It isn't interested. It is going to try to get your attention and teach you what doesn't work by your internal rounds of brooding and endless frustration. Marriage will only allow you the enjoyment and feelings of success when you practice what actually does work in marriage. Marriage leaves the choice entirely up to you.
It really does take two to tango.
Many ask at this point, "If only one person does this, can it still work?" The research shows conclusively that both people have to learn how to do the recovery conversation in a successful way or it will revert back to a shut down. Sometimes, if one person starts, the other person sometimes returns the favor without realizing what they are doing, and 
things temporarily improve. However, it will take both people being open to the other's viewpoint and how they are really feeling about things before a recovery conversation can dispell the emotional upset.
One signal that your recovery conversations are working is that it becomes more difficult to remember later what the argument was really about, and in some cases it ceases to matter at all. As your head is less full of imaginary conversations, you are able to move on to what is really going on in your relationship. Real conversation with a real person. This is different than ignoring and burying the issue. Successful recovery conversations may not include a resolution of the problem, as research shows that 69% all marriage problems are perpetual. The real purpose of recovery conversations is to help increase awareness of what is really possible, illuminate what is really going on, and build trust through actions that are in line with what each person is actually saying.
From this perspective, it does take learning something significantly new that no one really learns well UNTIL they are married. This incredible experience and enjoyment of a long-term, emotionally committed relationship demands that we learn how it really works, not how we wish it would work. The fact that you had a bad argument does not indicate the happiness or unhappiness of your marriage. However, what you do after it predictably does.
Now, let's get to it!
Don
In office in Walnut Creek, CA
925 256-8282
Don Elium, MA MFT practices individual and couple counseling in his office in Walnut Creek, CA,
San Francisco Bay Area.
