My Ex Sends The Most Mean Emails About Me!

Dear Don:

My ex-spouse sends the most mean, vicious and vile emails about me as a former spouse and as a parent of our children. I spend hours refuting them line by line and it is exhausting me. They just won't stop. What should I do about this?--Typed Out!

 

Can This Weekend Getaway Fix Our Relationship & Sexual Problems?

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Dear Don

I am planning a surprise weekend getaway in two weeks. The kids are handled. The pets are handled. I even have a housekeeper coming on the weekend away so the house will be fresh for her when we get home. However, we have been having some hard times the past year and the pressure has been so strong I decided to do something about it so I planned this trip. We haven't been sexual nor very affectionate for the past six months so I am nervous about being close this weekend. I know in the past I have been too aggressive and have blown things up so I don't want to do that this time. How can I be more in control of the weekend than before?~Taking Action Under Pressure (Click Here For Question and Answer)

 

How Am I Suppose To Know What She Wants?!

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Dear Don,
Last week I started a birthday firestorm by giving my wife presents that not only did she not want, but she said they were insulting. This must have been a long time coming because we have been married for over 20. I feel bad about her birthday. But I am shocked and my feelings are hurt. Holiday season is a around the corner. We have not uttered a word about it since.  What am I doing wrong? ---Not Wanting A Doghouse For The Holiday (Click Here For Question and Answer)

I Need To Forgive Him, But I Can't (Click Here)

Dear Don,

My father has returned to my life. I am having trouble with this, because over my entire lifetime, he flipped from being a mean drunk to a nice guy. Two years ago he did another round of recovery, and this time it seems to have stuck. Other family members report that he is not drinking. He seems to be keeping his agreements and genuinely making amends to everyone where he can. While this sounds all nice and great, I am still angry with him. He ruined all of our lives. What's up with this man who was so mean all the time? As I write this my anger wells up in my chest and throat. I admit that somewhere deep down I feel love for him, but that went into hiding many years ago. My anger at my father keeps me from giving him a chance. I want to forgive him, but I can't. What do I do?---Pushing A Good Thing (Click Here For Question and Answer)

I Need To Shut Up But I Can't! (Click Here)

Dear Don,

I need to shut up, but I can't. My sister and brother sat me down and confronted me about how angry I get at people when they disagree with me. They say that I am so opinionated that they have stopped wanting to be around me, because they get the impression that I think they are stupid. This is tough medicine to swallow. I spoke to my husband, who I thought loved my "spiritedness," and I was shocked to find out—after much prodding--that he, too, after ten years of marriage, had given up disagreeing with me about almost anything. I thought we were close. I really want to be loving with them. Sigh. (Click Here For Question and Answer)

 

Grief: My Mind Is Arguing With Reality

Dear Don,

My elderly mother passed away about a year ago. My sister is taking it quite well, but I am not.  I have attended a few grief groups and have cried buckets of tears, but I still wake up every morning thinking about calling her as I have done for years. Sometimes I actually pick up the phone and dial. I even hear the ring before I remember she is gone. .  My well-meaning sister is concerned about me. The tears keep coming In truth, I still can't believe she's gone! I am angry about it. I blame myself for not doing more, and I catch myself daydreaming, "How could this have been different?" What is going on with me?~Going In Round and Round

Dear Going Round and Round, [Click here to read the answer]

 

She Teased Me, I Teased Her, She Blew Up!!

Dear Don,

My wife and I banter back and forth in our relationship, and most of the time it is just good-natured kidding and playful "name calling." But last week on vacation she called me a "name" and I shot back calling her another "name" and she became very, very mad at me. So mad that the last two days of our long-awaited vacation was ruined because she stopped speaking to me! I apologized profusely, said I didn't mean it, but it took until we got home before she warmed up. There is still an uneasy distance between us. I didn't say anything to her that I had not said before. Do I just let this go to fade away over time, or do I talk to her about it? ~ Hurt and Bewildered

Dear Hurt and Bewildered, [Click here to read the answer]

 

I Don't Feel Emotiontally Safe With My Husband!

Dear Don,

I want to establish some rules in my relationship so I can feel safer.  I often feel pressured to do things that I don't want to do, like being social with people I don’t enjoy and having to make love whenever my husband wants to.  I usually just go along with this, but I am just tired of it. My husband complains now that I close him out. I think if we had some clear rules about these things I would feel safer to be more open and available. Right now I feel numb when I think of him. Am I being reasonable to ask for these rules? Thanks for your straightforward answer. ~UnSafe and Numb

Dear Unsafe and Numb, [Click here to read the answer!]

 

Hero at Work, and Villain at Home: Did I marry the wrong person?

Dear Don: Yesterday I received a “Best Boss” award from my employees. They praised me for taking their concerns seriously and for acting on them immediately. Last night my wife told me that she feels all alone in this relationship and home, hurt and although I support our family financially, she doesn't feel considered in any other way. I try so hard. I can’t believe that this is what I get in return. I’m a hero at work and a villain at home. What gives? --Lost

Dear Lost, [Click here to read the answer!]

 

Communication Techniques In Our Relationship Aren't Working

Dear Don,

My husband and I have been working on our communication for years. We’ve read the books, gone to seminars, and worked together in therapy, but we’re still stuck in the same senseless arguments. We practice the techniques for a while, but it’s not long before we’re in the same old communication patterns. What are we doing wrong? ~All Right But All Wrong

Dear All Right But All Wong, [Click here to read the answer!]

 

He Cheated and I'm Confused: Do I Trust Him Now?

Dear Don,

I enjoy your articles, and they inspire me to confront the issues that I face in my life and in my relationship. I feel totally lost and confused in my relationship. My fiancé wants us to get married in six months. We have been together for about six years, and it has been hard. Our feeling of love is so strong, and we depend totally on each other for support. He started cheating on me, and when I finally found out, I confronted him, and then I called it quits. After a few weeks, I begged him to take me back, but he said “No,” so I moved on with my life. Then, he begged me to take him back. It was too difficult to refuse, because I felt he had changed.

Now that we are preparing to marry, I am afraid that he has not changed, and that he is still cheating but I just haven’t caught him. I know that he loves me, but I feel uncertain. Because of his cheating my parents insisted that I stop seeing him, but I saw him anyway behind their backs. I am keeping our marriage plans from my parents, and I don’t feel good about lying to them. What should I do? I am so confused.~ Confused

Dear Confused, [Click here to read the answer]

 

What is Psychotherapy with EMDR?

Don Elium was violently mugged at knifepoint, in the fall of 1983, in Oakland, CA. He escaped without permanent physical harm but carried with him the unresolved emotional assault. Personally and professionally, he began a journey to discover more effective ways to deal with bad things that happen to people. Ten years later, after a brief series of EMDR sessions, his recurring nightmares, night terrors, panic reactions to darkness, and hyper-vigilance in public was dramatically eliminated. The reactive symptoms to the robbery have been absent now for over twenty five years. [Click here to read the article]

 

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Don Elium, MA MFT, practices individual and couple counseling in his office in Walnut Creek, CA, San Francisco Bay Area

He also works by PHONE as well as through VIDEOCAM Online with those in the United States and Internationally.

Don is author, with his wife Jeanne,of four best selling books, including Raising a Family

Don is completing a fifth book on how to stop doing the thing that drives your partner crazy.

 

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