 |
||
 |
|
|
Can This Weekend Getaway Fix Our Relationship & Sexual Problems?
Dear Don,
I am planning a surprise weekend getaway in two weeks. The kids are handled. The pets are handled. I even have a housekeeper coming on the weekend away so the house will be fresh for my 
wife when we get home. We have been having some hard times the past year, and the pressure has been so strong that I decided to do something about it. This is my reason for planning this trip. We haven't been sexual or very affectionate for the past six months, so I am nervous about being close this weekend. I know in the past I have been too aggressive and have blown things up, so I don't want to do that this time. How can I be more in control of the weekend? ~Taking Action Under Pressure
Dear Taking Action,
Take control of yourself, not your partner.
CONTROL YOUR IMAGINATION. When your relationship has drifted for a long spell, you tend to tell yourself that if you both could just "get away" for a night or two everything would be fine. You wish for the "magic moment" that will cure all your relationship problems. Your mind makes you feel so good at the expectation of the weekend going the way you want it to.
However, when the weekend doesn't go the way you imagined, you try to control the reactions that you don't like in your partner. It blows up and you go home hurt, rejected, and angrier. Being too tired, too busy, and too lonely make it impossible to satisfy all your emotional, affection, and sexual wants and needs in one evening or weekend. So, start by making this weekend about discovering how each of you are really feeling and thinking about things. Don't pretend you know. Ask and listen for the truth in what your partner is saying, instead of being defensive. Speak about how you feel and not about what you think is going on with your partner.
PLAN LESS--ENJOY MORE: The Spontaneity Cure. Too much planning creates too much expectation. Too much expectation creates too much anxiety. The best getaways have fewer expectations and more "being in the moment" without a time schedule chomping at your heels. Many couples find that the spark that brought them together often diminishes in the routine of daily life. Predictability becomes the norm. The spark can be rekindled through a little surprise and spontaneity. So, rather than over-planning, choose a place to go and agree to do only what comes next.
A “do what comes next getaway” golden rule is: you know what you do next by what you feel you need, right then, right there. It might be a nap, because of the long drive to get to your chosen place. You may want to take a walk to stretch out the kinks and to look around, or to spend some time alone, to unpack, to shower, or to relax. Whatever it is, talk about what is next and only do that. Make no plans beyond the step that you are on and the one that you feel you would like to take next. Within three hours, you both will feel more relieved than you have felt in years, and by the end of the day you will feel the freedom of spontaneity--the best cure for burnout, both individually and as a couple. If you can't get away, have a daily "do what comes next hour" or a "do what comes next day," where you and your partner just hang out and talk about yourself and each other, not knowing what comes next. Let the moment speak to you, not the day calendar.
AGREE TO BE LOVING BUT NOT MAKE LOVE RIGHT AWAY. Expecting to jump immediately into bed with each other looks exciting in a movie or more realistic in the early days of a relationship. But in real life couples need time to get reconnected and in synch with their own selves, before they can get back in-synch with each other. Only then is physical and emotional intimacy possible. Once you are in the zone of "doing what comes next "(spontaneity), you will begin to naturally feel what you want, or at least begin to be aware of what has been missing in yourself and your relationship.
However, be aware that if your daily relationship is not going well, an argument over the decision when and if to have sex will most likely come up. This often takes the form of getting mad about something silly--an effective strategy to avoid emotional and physical intimacy--and a sign that less expectation and more "being in the moment" is needed. If the relationship is under great stress, some couples report that agreeing to be open to the moment, to "do what comes next" and to NOT HAVE SEX right away--or not at all for just that weekend--often establishes a new openness allowing sex to become the natural fulfillment of a desire to be loving.
Sex can be a great short-term stress reducer and can make a couple feel closer and less guarded. But for ongoing, long-term relationships, the desire for sex plummets as the built-up, un-discussed and avoided topics increase. The more the build up, the less we are attracted to each other, and the more we become someone that we ourselves don’t even like. For this weekend choose to be someone that YOU like..
WHEN YOU GET ANGRY, SHUT UP QUICK! You both will feel some anger and upset during the weekend. Honestly talking things out means you will have to tolerate uncomfortable feelings. But when anger turns into a rant that won't stop, shut up. Zip your lips and take a short, solitary walk. Let your partner know you will come back when you calm down and will bring back something of substance when you return. To help with this, bring the anger down into your feet with each step or stomp and say: “This is just harder than we expected.” Say this until you feel your better self return. Then, consider and examine what is being said that is upsetting. Look for the simple truth of it. Investigate what is true, don't prosecute. Interrupt a flash fire of hurt and anger before it erupts into an inferno, and bring care and concern back into focus.
LOVING CURES FOR SEXUAL PROBLEMS. All relationships that focus only on pleasure as their goal will fail to thrive. If there is sexual performance anxiety, this is simply a signal to slow down and find what is out of balance---and correct it with a loving cure. The relationship cure is meaningful connection with your mate that includes pleasure. We all crave meaning: to be understood, considered, to be treated the way we like to be treated, to give unselfishly and to join with someone to experience something greater than we can by our lonesome. Sex is a powerful drive, activity, and bond that works best when it a servant of your heart. When your heart leads, your performance anxieties and sexual insecurities can be transformed into emotional, sexual, giving and loving opportunities.
GIVE YOURSELF THE GIFT OF COUNSELING. Not all relationship issues need third party help, but if you are both stuck in cycles of arguments and avoidance, marriage counseling can help restart the satisfying aliveness in your relationship. When you are so angry that you can't speak to your partner without rage, there are techniques that can help you release the past upset, get control of yourself again, and allow you to bring focus on what is most important right now. Don't seek counseling or getaways as a quick fix. See them both as needed steps to face what life has brought you. Combining monthly getaways with weekly marriage therapy for a period of time can help you get back in control of yourself and become the person that you like again, and that will be the best gift you can give your partner and your relationship.
Don
Don@DonElium.com
925 256-8282