Subscribe To The Don Elium Newsletter For Monthly Articles [Click Here]

He Cheats and I'm Confused: Can I Trust Him Now?

Dear Don,

I enjoy your articles, and they inspire me to confront the issues that I face in my life and in my relationship. I feel totally lost and confused in my relationship. My fiancé wants us to get married in six months. We have been together for about six years, and it has been hard. Our feeling of love is so strong, and we depend totally on each other for support. He started cheating on me, and when I finally found out, I confronted him, and then I called it quits. After a few weeks, I begged him to take me back, but he said “No,” so I moved on with my life. Then, he begged me to take him back. It was too difficult to refuse, because I felt he had changed.

Now that we are preparing to marry, I am afraid that he has not changed, and that he is still cheating but I just haven’t caught him. I know that he loves me, but I feel uncertain. Because of his cheating my parents insisted that I stop seeing him, but I saw him anyway behind their backs. I am keeping our marriage plans from my parents, and I don’t feel good about lying to them. What should I do? I am so confused. ~Is Something Fishy?

Dear Is-Something- Fishy,

You are not confused. You just don't like what you are seeing and feeling. You are just afraid to face it squarely and really investigate what is really going on in this relationship. Your gut tells you that something is off. TRUST IT. Something is off.

Your uncertainty about your fiancé and your secret marriage plans indicates that the painful issue of cheating is still brewing under the surface of your relationship. It often takes a year of good counseling for couples to get beyond the denial and feelings of betrayal that infidelity creates. Before you can move forward with a relationship with this man, you must face the fact that you no longer trust him. Until you both do the work to rebuild real trust between you, the foundation of your upcoming marriage is seriously flawed.

The hope that your fiancé has changed is based on the feelings of emotional longing not real trust. Longing is about emotion. Trust is about keeping agreements. It might feel good to have him back, but emotions change like the weather and are NOT a stable foundation on which to build a long-term relationship.  At the first sign of difficulty between you, this nagging hurt and mistrust will drive you apart again, and eventually make you want to punish him. If you are still hiding this relationship from your parents and are sneaking around, then you too are being deceptive, just differently than your fiancé. You both need to look at how deception plays a major part in how you deal with conflict. You need to face the fact that you both have the habit of lying about things that are very important to you.

My advice to you is to slow down and to trust your gut. Get some counseling that focuses on developing maturity--the ability to love the TRUTH about things more than the EMOTION about things. TRUTH--what is really going on--is your best long-term friend and partner. It won’t let you down when you feel confused. TRUTH brings clarity. Although the TRUTH brings up both pleasant and unpleasant emotions, you will discover what is really happening between you and your partner through investigating the beliefs and emotion underneath drama. The TRUTH about your relationship is BURNING IN YOUR GUT. Ask yourself what it was that caused you to end your relationship in the first place? Find out why he did not want to initially take you back? Through honest dialogue with the help of a skilled counselor, the two of you will uncover what you both fear and really want. From this place, you can move forward in strength, whether it be together or apart.

Marriage--any long term committed emotional relationship--forces the inevitable conflict that each person has to the surface, either willingly or unwillingly. So, the real choice that younow face is whether you are going to confront the TRUTH about yourself, your deception, your fiancé and his cheating or wait until you have two children and a mortgage!

At the brink, people find the will to change.  Before you get married, get help to face this issue that is burning in your gut. That burning feeling is your guide. Listen to it and investigate the TRUTH of things. You will know you have resolved these issues when that burning feeling is no longer there. Let the answer to marry or not come from investigating what is underneath all this drama. No matter what it looks like on the surface, underneath you will eventually find the very best of you and your gut and your decision will be one of peace.

Investigate!

Now, let's get to it!
Don

Don@DonElium.com